I've been waiting/debating about making this post for awhile. I hint at it sometimes and allude to it others, but I think it's time to lay it all out there and show/tell you just what it's like to be missing part of your abdominal muscle.
![Picture](/uploads/4/2/0/3/42037349/7213266.jpg?226)
When I train with people and they do core work, it seems it's very hard for them to understand why I have such a hard time. The answer is that I had upper right quadrant laparotomy surgery to remove a trichobezoar when I want a kid. They utilized a intracorporeal single-layered closure. How's that for a response that basically says nothing to most people?
Essentially, I had a blockage in my stomach and they had to remove it. (Yes, I'm being purposefully vague. Not ready to talk about why just yet.) In order to remove it they cut through my skin into my stomach. When they sewed me up, they made one scar, which means not only is the stomach attached to the skin, the muscle is now permanently cut in half.
A few things have resulted from this. #1 is that I'm very asymmetrical--one side of me curves in nicely, the other does not. The partial muscle also seems to affect my balance. At times it also feels like it's trying to grow back together; I get this strange cramping feeling that is just indescribable. Other times I just feel utterly lopsided.
Additionally, it's just an aesthetic nightmare, in my opinion. It's an unsightly, fairly large, permanently indented scar. It provides me a permanent fat roll. I'm so self conscious about it. Just as in liposuction, my body tries to accommodate for the scar by having a fat deposit on the opposite side as well. This is why you'll rarely see me in a tight fitting shirt without a belt to hide the scar.
I sit here and often wonder if it will hinder me from a lot of things. I already can't do many things those with full abs can. But I wonder how it will change the possibility of competing once I lose the weight. I'll never be able to be symmetrical or have great abs. I wonder if it will hinder me getting the skin removed once the weight is lost. I also wonder if I'll truly be able to lose all of the midsection weight.
Someday I'll get the guts to ask a doctor if there's something I can do to fix it. Having a stomach that's not connected to my dermis would be pretty awesome. It would mean a smoother mid section over all. It may even mean I'm a little less self conscious about my midsection.
This post is really me explaining why I have such a hard time with workouts that use core stability. Trainers have asked me to so side bends and other side-isolating exercises. They never seem to understand just how much they hurt and how hard/impossible they are. I don't think you can ever realize just how much you use your upper abdominal muscles. Seriously. Rub your tummy with love for me right now.
This is also me reminding you to never judge people. I see eyebrows raise when I say I don't have a stomach muscle on one side. People think it's a weird excuse. It's a weird story. But everyone has a story. And not everyone is just making excuses.
Most of all, this is me trying to accept this and stop letting it be the first thing I see in the mirror. It has been a part of me since about 1994. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but really I just want to have that flat stomach that I can never achieve. Yes, the surgery saved my life, but sometimes it's just hard to wear the reminder.
Now you know why I stress the future. Why I hope to be one of those bikini models. I want to wear this no longer as an aesthetic nightmare; I want a red badge of courage. I want to accept it and not have it limit me. I hope someday it will, until then I will just work with it.
Essentially, I had a blockage in my stomach and they had to remove it. (Yes, I'm being purposefully vague. Not ready to talk about why just yet.) In order to remove it they cut through my skin into my stomach. When they sewed me up, they made one scar, which means not only is the stomach attached to the skin, the muscle is now permanently cut in half.
A few things have resulted from this. #1 is that I'm very asymmetrical--one side of me curves in nicely, the other does not. The partial muscle also seems to affect my balance. At times it also feels like it's trying to grow back together; I get this strange cramping feeling that is just indescribable. Other times I just feel utterly lopsided.
Additionally, it's just an aesthetic nightmare, in my opinion. It's an unsightly, fairly large, permanently indented scar. It provides me a permanent fat roll. I'm so self conscious about it. Just as in liposuction, my body tries to accommodate for the scar by having a fat deposit on the opposite side as well. This is why you'll rarely see me in a tight fitting shirt without a belt to hide the scar.
I sit here and often wonder if it will hinder me from a lot of things. I already can't do many things those with full abs can. But I wonder how it will change the possibility of competing once I lose the weight. I'll never be able to be symmetrical or have great abs. I wonder if it will hinder me getting the skin removed once the weight is lost. I also wonder if I'll truly be able to lose all of the midsection weight.
Someday I'll get the guts to ask a doctor if there's something I can do to fix it. Having a stomach that's not connected to my dermis would be pretty awesome. It would mean a smoother mid section over all. It may even mean I'm a little less self conscious about my midsection.
This post is really me explaining why I have such a hard time with workouts that use core stability. Trainers have asked me to so side bends and other side-isolating exercises. They never seem to understand just how much they hurt and how hard/impossible they are. I don't think you can ever realize just how much you use your upper abdominal muscles. Seriously. Rub your tummy with love for me right now.
This is also me reminding you to never judge people. I see eyebrows raise when I say I don't have a stomach muscle on one side. People think it's a weird excuse. It's a weird story. But everyone has a story. And not everyone is just making excuses.
Most of all, this is me trying to accept this and stop letting it be the first thing I see in the mirror. It has been a part of me since about 1994. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but really I just want to have that flat stomach that I can never achieve. Yes, the surgery saved my life, but sometimes it's just hard to wear the reminder.
Now you know why I stress the future. Why I hope to be one of those bikini models. I want to wear this no longer as an aesthetic nightmare; I want a red badge of courage. I want to accept it and not have it limit me. I hope someday it will, until then I will just work with it.